2020年3月31日。距我母亲已经整整两年了’s tragic passing. I’老实说，我很难适应这种认识，以至于对时间的流逝有些痴迷，并且鉴于时间是多么的珍贵和短暂，它想尽最大的努力。一世’我以一种不健康的对偶来应对它。
In one hand, it all still feels like it was just yesterday; everything she had to go through the last two and a half years of her life, and the unfairness that this country’s circumstances imposed on her, making an already difficult battle even more uphill and one-sided. On the other hand, I sometimes feel like it’s been an eternity since that tragic Saturday—so much has happened in these past two years, just look at these past three months.
I do feel like I’ve let myself caught in a perpetual loop of trying to heal and self improve, but every time I try to move on I keep stumbling and the cycle begins anew, ultimately going nowhere. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about all that my mother had to go through, and all the things I could’ve and should’ve done differently—as well as all that I wasn’t able to do. The dreams that I constantly have where she’s alive are the ones that crush me once I wake up from them, those really kill me from the inside.
In addition to the ever growing uncertainly of the future, that loop is perhaps why I’ve feel so moody and anxious this past week. I knew some bouts of depression and a worsened insomnia would befall upon me around this date, which I’ve grossly underestimated, cause it’s really doing a number on me. Although I’ve managed to somewhat hold it at bay over the past days by keeping myself distracted and working on a myriad of things, as well as trying my best to help others—doing what little good I can every day.
The past year was nowhere as straightforward as I would’ve wanted it to be. I did made my mother a promise two years ago, and in a way I do feel miserable for failing to fulfill it completely throughout 2019. The legal recourse that I was working during most of 2019 has regrettably hit a bureaucratic wall, which, together with other circumstances, have killed that possibility in the short term.
All that time and resources wasted for naught in the end, and I’m back to where I was exactly two years ago with regards to legally migrating while being able to take my brother with me—I even put work on my novel on hold for most of 2019 because I was certain that those documents would’ve been the key to a new life. There’s a toll that comes with failure, and I’我现在感觉到了，克拉布斯先生.
To make matters worse, now we find ourselves stuck in this country due to the COVID-19 pandemic, unable to even leave the city of Caracas until the lockdowns are rescinded. While all these social quarantine measures don’t really affect a social outcast such as myself, the uncertainly and stress derived from the state of things doesn’t really give me some ease of mind—our passports expire next year and we still don’t have a visa, time’s ticking.
Nonetheless I have, to the best of my limited ability (and with the help of others), provided my brother with all that I have so that he can be as safe and happy as possible; that is, I suppose, an accomplishment of its own. It is one part of the promise that I made to her (to take care of my brother now and always) one that I will continue to do so until the last day of my life.
他零散的笑容，以及他’是安全的，也许是证明我’即使我经常觉得自己很成功’我做得不够，因为我’m not strong enough.
I made the mistake of putting my own physical and mental well being on hold for the past two years because I said that it was something I could simply worry about and work on once I had succeeded in getting both my brother and myself out of this country to start a new life. In retrospective, it really wasn’t a good idea. I’m legitimately worn out and exhausted by all that’s happened in this country and in my life, things that are way beyond my control, and things that have taken a very taxing toll on my mind.
My mother deserved a better son, someone who, unlike me, should’ve gotten their life together long ago, someone who should’ve listened her in time and had studied harder, achieved more educational accolades, and thus, possessing of a professional career and role in this world. Maybe if I had done all that I would’ve had the means to save her—I don’t know, as much as I’ve tried to escape the what ifs 过去，他们继续压制我。
也许我应该停止进一步拖延并寻求帮助，以便最终改善自己，并在此过程中获得一些自我价值。它’已经两年了，如果我想克服这个困难并能够成为她真正应得的儿子，那么我需要迈出第一步，’s not something I’我自己就能解决。
I failed to completely do that over the past twelve months, but I won’t fail again this time. I have to give all that I have and become a force of good in this world just like she was in life. But in order to do so, it is time for me to worry about myself for once in my life so that I can finally be able to do all that I promised her. I need to be stronger than ever before for my brother so he can have that better life I dream for him every day.
Maybe that’s the missing piece that’会让其他一切流动：一些自我价值，专注于我的幸福。我祈祷并希望不久的一天，我’过去几年的痛苦中，我将能够治愈并忘记，但我永远不会忘记的一件事是爱，教育，道德风范以及母亲给两个儿子的一切。