2020年3月31日。距我母亲已经整整两年了’s tragic passing. I’老实说,我很难适应这种认识,以至于对时间的流逝有些痴迷,并且鉴于时间是多么的珍贵和短暂,它想尽最大的努力。一世’我以一种不健康的对偶来应对它。

In one hand, it all still feels like it was just yesterday; everything she had to go through the last two and a half years of her life, and the unfairness that this country’s circumstances imposed on her, making an already difficult battle even more uphill and one-sided. On the other hand, I sometimes feel like it’s been an eternity since that tragic Saturday—so much has happened in these past two years, just look at these past three months.

I do feel like I’ve let myself caught in a perpetual loop of trying to heal and self improve, but every time I try to move on I keep stumbling and the cycle begins anew, ultimately going nowhere. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about all that my mother had to go through, and all the things I could’ve and should’ve done differently—as well as all that I wasn’t able to do. The dreams that I constantly have where she’s alive are the ones that crush me once I wake up from them, those really kill me from the inside.

In addition to the ever growing uncertainly of the future, that loop is perhaps why I’ve feel so moody and anxious this past week. I knew some bouts of depression and a worsened insomnia would befall upon me around this date, which I’ve grossly underestimated, cause it’s really doing a number on me. Although I’ve managed to somewhat hold it at bay over the past days by keeping myself distracted and working on a myriad of things, as well as trying my best to help others—doing what little good I can every day.

The past year was nowhere as straightforward as I would’ve wanted it to be. I did made my mother a promise two years ago, and in a way I do feel miserable for failing to fulfill it completely throughout 2019. The legal recourse that I was working during most of 2019 has regrettably hit a bureaucratic wall, which, together with other circumstances, have killed that possibility in the short term. 

All that time and resources wasted for naught in the end, and I’m back to where I was exactly two years ago with regards to legally migrating while being able to take my brother with me—I even put work on my novel on hold for most of 2019 because I was certain that those documents would’ve been the key to a new life. There’s a toll that comes with failure, and I’我现在感觉到了,克拉布斯先生.

To make matters worse, now we find ourselves stuck in this country due to the COVID-19 pandemic, unable to even leave the city of Caracas until the lockdowns are rescinded. While all these social quarantine measures don’t really affect a social outcast such as myself, the uncertainly and stress derived from the state of things doesn’t really give me some ease of mind—our passports expire next year and we still don’t have a visa, time’s ticking.

我们可以’自从她和我的兄弟去世以来,过去两年来,我和我兄弟每个月都这样做。我们不是’暂时甚至无法探望她的坟墓,因为穿越城市的交通仅限于健康和美食之旅。我有几支蜡烛祈祷,因为’这几天我们能做的就是全部。

Nonetheless I have, to the best of my limited ability (and with the help of others), provided my brother with all that I have so that he can be as safe and happy as possible; that is, I suppose, an accomplishment of its own. It is one part of the promise that I made to her (to take care of my brother now and always) one that I will continue to do so until the last day of my life.

他零散的笑容,以及他’是安全的,也许是证明我’即使我经常觉得自己很成功’我做得不够,因为我’m not strong enough.

I made the mistake of putting my own physical and mental well being on hold for the past two years because I said that it was something I could simply worry about and work on once I had succeeded in getting both my brother and myself out of this country to start a new life. In retrospective, it really wasn’t a good idea. I’m legitimately worn out and exhausted by all that’s happened in this country and in my life, things that are way beyond my control, and things that have taken a very taxing toll on my mind.

My mother deserved a better son, someone who, unlike me, should’ve gotten their life together long ago, someone who should’ve listened her in time and had studied harder, achieved more educational accolades, and thus, possessing of a professional career and role in this world. Maybe if I had done all that I would’ve had the means to save her—I don’t know, as much as I’ve tried to escape the what ifs 过去,他们继续压制我。

也许我应该停止进一步拖延并寻求帮助,以便最终改善自己,并在此过程中获得一些自我价值。它’已经两年了,如果我想克服这个困难并能够成为她真正应得的儿子,那么我需要迈出第一步,’s not something I’我自己就能解决。

I’ve过去两年一直离开她的房间,不时打扫房间。哎呀,我在我们公寓的洗衣区里还有些衣服’在过去的两年中,我们有心要解决。

我自己的缺点,这篇文章的可怜之处和失败之处除外,我将继续奉献所剩无几,继续前进。希望一旦这种大流行过后,某些事情最终会实现,我将最终步入正轨,最终能够与我的兄弟合法迁徙,更不用说我的第一本小说了, 民族之剑,它正在路上。然后,最后,一旦我的兄弟在这个国家之外平安无事,我们’双方都可以在这个世界上找到自己的位置。无论他选择哪种方式,我’无论如何,我一定会陪在他身边。

这是我向她保证的,这是我每天祈祷的结果,这是让我前进的动力。

就像我去年说过的:我所做的善行,过去犯的错误,我的恶习,我的美德,我的罪过,我的缺点,我的特殊性,我的后悔,我的赞美,所有我都是–我会全力以赴,以便为自己的兄弟和自己开创美好的未来。 

I failed to completely do that over the past twelve months, but I won’t fail again this time. I have to give all that I have and become a force of good in this world just like she was in life. But in order to do so, it is time for me to worry about myself for once in my life so that I can finally be able to do all that I promised her. I need to be stronger than ever before for my brother so he can have that better life I dream for him every day.

Maybe that’s the missing piece that’会让其他一切流动:一些自我价值,专注于我的幸福。我祈祷并希望不久的一天,我’过去几年的痛苦中,我将能够治愈并忘记,但我永远不会忘记的一件事是爱,教育,道德风范以及母亲给两个儿子的一切。

这些是她给我们两个人的宝贵财富,这些是我’会延续到未来的一天。

-Kal